Freshman year, High school,
So new.
Acceptance was a major role,
A teen,
She had a secret,
She never told.
Friends just thought,
She had changed,
But they didn’t know
The changing wasn’t over
And it would really show.

Volly try-outs, fall that year,
Is where it all began,
The ignition,
Of the match igniting,
will soon begin to singe.

She went to each conditioning,
That they ever had,
And tried her greatest to achieve,
To be one of the players
On the team.

As she went on working,
She began to notice,
The figure,
Of the others.
Thinner,
Unlike she,
She began,
To do “the diet”
To be as thin as they were seen

It started out,
Just an innocent thing,
Until it took control,
When instead
Of her being
The one who knew
Of what
Was for her best.
Something took her over,
And she was,
The follower instead.

She had no clue,
And had no notion,
She wasn’t in control,
Until it went all topsy turvy,
And she had no where to go.

She’d starve herself,
No fat would she intake,
And exercise,
Over hundreds of sets,
And cry,
Because she couldn’t
Ever be the best.

Never,
Was she thin enough,
And could never see,
She wasn’t how she thought she looked,
Though that’s what she seen.

Her mirror showed her,
Far from what she was,
For, she was skin and bone,
Her bone seen and felt in her back,
But still she thought she was fat.

She wouldn’t sit,
For when she would,
She’d be in pain,
From the bone ,
So near the surface,
She would have to stand,
Or sit on her toes.

Her parents,
Were frightened,
For they couldn’t get her to eat,
They forced her to eat dinner,
She cried,
With each piece she’d eat.

She’d throw it up,
If she could,
But then she’d be seen,
So she added to her exercise,
By an extra hundred sets,
And cry,
Because she wanted to sleep.

Her,
Lower back bled,
From the pressure to the skin,
Each time she’d do a sit up,
Or lift her legs up to her head.

Asked,
Why she bleeding,
“It’s just a cut that’s all dad.”
He couldn’t make sense of it ,
And yelled at her instead.

“If you don’t gain weight,
I’ll call the doctor,
And she’ll take care of it instead.”

One thing that she couldn’t stand,
The idea of the doctor,
A terrifing trauma to her head.

He never should of done that,
She trusted him and her mother,
They were her parents,
Her flesh and blood,
Of which she can’t trust,
Like that again.

“you won’t be fat if you eat”, “Yes I will,
I know me”.

One day while looking in her mirror,
As she did each day,
She seen the fat self she knew she was,
Then before her eyes,
Began to erode away.

Her eyes widened,
As she seen the sight,
Her eyes were blinded,
And she knew,
God showed her the light.

She’d pray that he would show her,
Because she couldn’t see it,
A bite of food would get harder,
Each day,
She knew she had to eat it.

Her failure,
Always extending,
When ever she would try,
Her parents,
She couldn’t listen to,
They made her cry,
And scared inside.
The only one she knew to trust,
Was Jesus the one who made her.

The one who made her see the truth,
Before no one could save her.
Before the grave took her flesh,
And turned it into dust,
And before her soul came out to be judged,
Unknown where it would have gone
Before the EMS truck arrived one day at her home,
He was the only one who saved her,
And the only one who could take her home.

Afraid of what the doctor
Would do if her dad had called,
She forced herself to eat food,
And became depressed,
More than before.

Before she knew it,
She was of a healthy weight
Her family labeled her “RECOVERED”.
Still she knew in her heart,
The wounds were not going away.
She still had no self-esteem,
And her joy wasn’t to the ceiling.

They thought she was “RECOVERED”
That she was ok,
Day to day she now lives,
Her life never the same.

She knows this is not what God wants,
That worry is a sin,
But she just asks God this time,
To please hold her hand,
That her ears will be opened,
To the sweet words he says.

Counting this,
Counting that,
She still thinks she’s fat,
Almost 140 pounds she isn’t wrong about that..
She doesn’t eat excessivly,
And has hardly any fat,
She tries to loose weight again
This time holding Gods’ hand

God saved my life,
For one purpose or another,
One,
You have to understand,
If it wasn’t for him,
I wouldn’t be here,
Where I am,
I wouldn’t be speaking,
I wouldn’t be writing,
I would be buried in the sand.

God saved my life,
And though I live my life each day,
In the memory,
I can’t bear to say,
And struggle,
And wish I would die today,
Without God I’d be no one,
But a sinner,
Without a name.

 
Copyright © dalilpoet, All Rights Reserved