No one seems to get the fact,
that it makes me feel much better,
digging a sharp object into the flesh on my wrist,
letting it all out when I’m pissed.
Anger gets the best of me every time,
I’m possessed it seems, by a girl who wants no part of life,
a stranger to the sunlight,
and out of the dark corridors of my mind,
emerges the person who no one else sees.
She is angry, and doesn’t understand how anyone can be happy.
How the hell do people put a smile on their face?
But she does it too,
she is so full of insecurity but yet,
she hides the tears behind a practiced smile.
One that most people think stays there all the time.
But the smile disappears as soon as she closes the door to her room.
I close the door and shut down
and all that’s left are blinding tears,
mascara streaks,
stomach pains,
a throbbing head,
and a sense of numbness, of no feeling in my heart.
And the lines of blood screaming from my wrist,
“why? Why didn’t you just tell her that you care about her?”
I go into a dizzying, dreamless sleep,
and try to forget all the faces haunting me,
all the misunderstanding stares,
and cruel whispers…
sleep is a quick blur,
and then morning comes,
a heavy smog of body aches and anxiety,
one of despair and panic.
It’s time to put on the smile again,
damn it!
Today it isn’t fitting like it usually does,
maybe I should stop trying,
let people see the real me for once…
no, wait, I won’t be shot down by their hateful sneers,
and menacing words.
I sit for a moment in silence,
thinking what it would be like if I ended it all now.
But I do not have the courage.
I am a coward.
I finally fasten on the smile and slip on my wristband,
concealing what no one would ever imagine being there.
Here goes another day.

-Melissa bollman

 
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