To my mother


You never seem to understand
I used to want, rave, and crave
Every ounce of approval
A kind word or two
Just to make it though
But you were never there
To play with my hair
And talk of my despair
I thought you left because of me

You sought new things
To get away and
You went to play
Golf, bowling, and new things too
I had a hard time talking to you
But you never made and effort either

I lost my friends as I matured
Beyond their minds
What they could endure
I sought a man to hold and love me
Like you used to but he left
And said “another will love you”
I cried my tears alone
Where you should have been
And I cry now too
Soft and silent thinking of you

I think of all the times
I held the pills fast in my hand
Ready to down them all
Leave this world where no one loves
I think of the times
I held the knife in my hand
As I watched the sweet red blood
Pour down my arm and into my hand
Crying tears of red
Where clear ones couldn’t fix my pain

At first the loss of you at ten
The loss of understanding friends at fourteen
The loss of a lover soon before
The loss of my father at fifteen
His trust broken
My best friend tries so hard but she can’t be
All the people I need

So I’ve learned a part of life
I know what I want and need
Now you’ve finally seen the pain in my eyes
And you try to care and smother me
Just a tad to late
For what I need now
Is myself knowing I can
Survive on my own
Through the trials and despair
I will face
I need to be the bolder itself
Never moveable or crushed but
Firm, solid, and tough

I need and seek independence
Where you no longer give
You keep me bound and chained
Wanting me to be
The little girl you left behind
So long ago
The one who craved your approval and love
But I gave up on that
And I can no longer be
That little girl so sweet and innocent

So please accept and try to understand
I love you but
Chaining me makes it worse
I seek friends that understand
But bound and chained
I cannot grow relationships

I want a new start
But I need to find myself unobstructed
By smothering or anything else
Let me know you’re there
I need that
But I need to find myself
And it’s only something I can do

Trust me I love you
And this is hard to say
But I kind-of need you to stay away
Let me learn and make mistakes
Be in the backround for support
But give me freedom
To learn of myself

So someday when I’ve found myself
I’ll show you what I’ve found
I’m sorry it has come to this
But I had to tell you somehow
Know this and find it true
I love you but I need to
Love me too

 
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