day 1 ...its really hard to try to convince myself that i need to move
on..but im determined...i still try not to cry
day 2...today we talked and i wanted to rush over to you and shake you
senseless...to make you see what your doing to me..my heart still feels
heavy
day 3...i think about you all the time but i know that it is over...and i
can be strong..i convince myself that its over..
day 7...its been a sad week...but you are not as fresh in my mind...even
though my heart hurts, i know i can make it
day 15...i talked to you again...you mentioned a significant other..my
hearts broken pieces broke once again...the thought that you’ve moved on so
soon, and from something i cant compare...but its okay..i’ll be okay..
day 22...time is flying..and i’m focusing on other people in my life...i
know i’ve neglected them...its time to make up for that..and focus on the
future..not the past..
day 30...i called you today..i managed to smile and be happy for you that
you’ve found someone that makes you happy...and we talked for about an
hour..i didn't cry this time...i didn't spend the rest of my day
thinking about you...most importantly, i didn't cry myself to sleep
instead i prayed for my family..and for your happiness and well-being..
day 32...i wanted to call you again...but i know that im talking to a
diffrent person...you are no longer the person i was passionate about, the
person i loved..if anything, you are my friend...
day 41...my heart hasn't but my mind has moved on from your
memory..thats what you are, you are merely a memory, a picture in my
mind...reminding me that i am able to fall in love...and i cant submit to
someone special and give them all of me...and my heart..i did it once..i can
do it again...
day -..i am no longer keeping track of the days..there is no need...i am
getting over you slowly..but its happening...i may be moving slow but at
least im still moving...and im learning that even if you are still here in
my life...i can make a friendship out of “what was” instead of wondering
“what could have been” and its okay now..i’m okay now...your not just my
first love...you are my best friend..and that is what i truly want...what we
had will only help blossom into a great, gentle friendship..and im grateful
to you for allowing me that...after all...i dont have to be in-love to
love...and that love is a choice, a decision...and i decide weather i want
to feel broken and shattered...but i choose to love, not to hurt... i love
you...its not a deep love from my heart..its a deep love from my soul...one
that flows through my heart..but is not rooted there...so i’ll be
okay...now, i’m okay...i love you, friend.

Crystal



*a letter to my first love and special friend, Jack Rupard. Thanks for
everything .*

day..oh man, its been awhile. scratch everything i’ve said before this. When
i thought i had moved on, i was really holding onto what we had. Friendship?
come on, be serious. you cant be friends with someone that has so much of
you. You cant even live with yourself missing. You never did anything for
me. You caused me so much hurt. You tore my heart out of my chest and threw
it on the ground and you walked away with your arms around another. Well its
not my turn again. I wish i could say it is your turn, but thats where i
realized i was wrong. I assumed you had feelings just like any other human.
You don't. So i couldn't possibly cause you pain. Because you
wouldn't let me love you, care for you. you wouldn't let yourself
feel. so how could i cause you pain after it is all over? i cant . but i can
deny you something that you claim to want. My friendship? i dont think so.
you cant reward pain with friendship. i will no longer be a buddy to
heartache. so friendship? think again. i have plenty of friends. you do to.
and im not one of them. you found someone to replace me in your heart, so
you can find someone to take my slot on your friend list. it wont be hard
for you im sure. it wasnt hard to find a replacement when we were together.
what was i thinking ? “thanks for everything? “ what did you do for me? you
caused me so much pain. i have nothing to thank you for. except the pissy
mood you put me in. because it makes me strong enough to recognize assholes
like you. and it helped me to peel off that mask you are always wearing.
poor little jack, all alone now? no your never alone. your a player. you
like playing peoples feelings. you love seeing and inflicting pain. theres
so many out there like you. you’ll never be alone. never. you just wont have
me. thats all i can do to you. i cant cause you hurt, but i prevent my own.
this is where i close this letter and sign my name. i cant stand the thought
of the traditional signatures. so i’ll be original and frank.

fuck you jack,

Crystal

 
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