Remembering the past,
Rejecting the future,
My life is a blur.
Too slow: Too fast.
Maybe it’s not moving at all.

I try to sleep a dreamless slumber.
Only to drift into memories
Memories of times when I was young, innocent and pure.
Only to feel his hands on my growing soul:
Touching me.
Crushing me.
Killing me.

Family and friends
No one understands:
The shame I have,
The self worth I’ve lost,
Why did he do this to me?

Forgive and forget,
These words echo in my head.
But my mind cannot cope
Cannot forgive,
Cannot forget.

I wonder sometimes,
Sitting alone in my room,
What it feels like to be normal:
To look in the mirror,
And like what I see.
Why can’t I do this?
What’s wrong with me?

In a crowded room,
I feel alone.
I can pretend I am okay –
Pretend nothing is wrong.
But when I come home
And my eyes start to flutter.

The forgotten memories & abuse,
Slices through me.
And I feel his touch, his breath, his smell.
I wish I felt nothing.
I wish I dreamt nothing.

I want to move on.
I want to be happy.
I find myself craving sadness,
Worry, and grief.
I feel at peace with loneliness,
Depression, and pain.

I hope one day –
I won’t feel so much hurt.
I won’t cringe when I’m touched,
In the most loving way.

I hope, I hope –
One day.

* Dedicated to all those who were sexually and emotionally abused during the
most precious time in our lives -- Childhood *
 
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