Going To Hell In A Fast Car
By Chelsea Johnstone
Charter School of Wilmington
Mr. Mervine
Cast of Characters
Greg, a wealthy young male heir in his 20s
Todd, the wisecracking, happy-go-lucky best friend of Greg in his 20s
Lana, Greg’s girlfriend. She is after him only for money.
Setting
Present Day America, the City
(The play opens in a hotel suite. A nattily dressed man is standing in the
middle of the room next to an oak table, with all the commodities of a
Presidential suite; the fruit basket and card, the king size bed. He is
flipping a money clip, or the like, and looking kind of bored. He sighs and
tosses it on the tabletop. Walking aimlessly about, he slaps his hands
against his lined pants and just seems to be settling in for the night,
having just arrived. [This set can be modified to have GREG simply walking
in front of the curtain if the elaborate room set cannot be arranged, but he
must have a suitcase to allay that he has just arrived.] A speakerphone on
the table beeps and sends out a young man’s voice into the room.)
TODD (cheerily)
Hey there Bill Gates! No seriously, Greg, how’s it goin’, bein’ a big guy on
campus? Man, I wish I were an heir. What’s it like bein’ a heir? All that
money you did squat for. Nice bein’ your friend, dude. No seriously, good
luck on your girlfriend tomorrow. Oh, did that slip out? Don’t I mean with
your girlfriend?
(TODD cackles insanely and the machine turns off with a beep. GREG shakes
his head with a smile and pulls off his dinner jacket. Scene fades out. We
open on a café somewhat like a Nick and Joe’s. GREG is sitting across from
TODD as they eat their subs.)
GREG (dejectedly)
You’re sick, Todd.
TODD
What? I want to know how “things” went with Lana last night. So? (Wild grin,
almost a leer)
GREG
Nothing.
TODD (taken aback)
What?
GREG
We did nothing.
TODD (smile fading)
Dude, I’m sorry man. What’s her problem anyway? You’re young, and you’re
good looking. Relatively nice.
GREG
She doesn’t see that.
TODD
I’d sleep with you.
GREG
You sound gay.
TODD
Shit! Well, if I were, you’d be prey so be glad I’m not. (That elicits a
reluctant smile from GREG.) I meant if I were Lana I’d be all over you. You
could buy her her own state, man. It’s not “Where do we honeymoon?” It’s
“Where do we own?”
GREG
She says she likes simple guys.
TODD
Can I have her then? (He pauses as GREG glares malevolently) Whoa! That is
the evilest glare I’ve seen since I put on my sister’s lip-gloss in front of
her new boyfriend. I never tried it again. Tastes funny. Too much sunshine
and daisies. I prefer to kiss girls who wear passion flower, naa mean?
GREG
You-
TODD
Ah! Not finished. And then you get that taste and you know this is gonna be
fun. And she-
GREG
Come on man! We’re talking about me!
TODD
Okay okay. So. You come all this way to see Lana. You buy her dinner. You
talk. Then…?
GREG
I take her home.
TODD
You didn’t even kiss?!
GREG
Leave me alone.
TODD
Ooh! I hit a nerve! (GREG glares) Aside from your lack of finesse with
girls, what are you going to do with your life? You’re set, you have the
American dream.
GREG
It’s not as great as you think.
TODD
Maybe it’s exactly as great as I think.
GREG
No! You don’t get it. Everyone expects that I’m perfectly happy because I’m
a Yale graduate, I have a girl, a house, a Fiat, and I’m immensely wealthy.
But my life kina sucks.
TODD
How? You’ve got me.
GREG
Ah yes. Your presence alleviates all sadness from my soul.
TODD
You don’t have to be so sarcastic.
GREG
Todd, I appreciate you, I really do, but I’m having a problem here! My
girlfriend doesn’t appreciate me. I need her to love me, not my wealth.
TODD
Oh get real!
GREG (angry now, standing up)
Hey! Everyone’s got a problem, and this is mine! I need her to love me and
I- I have stuff already and god damn it Todd you don’t understand I don’t
need material things I need her companionship! I’m afraid she would go for
anything with money that breathed.
(TODD is astonished at this outburst. GREG deflates and sinks, looking
defeated, into a chair.)
TODD
Dude. You’ve never opened up like that before. I’m sorry Greg- truly I am.
GREG (breaking down)
I just… I just want a friend.
TODD
I’ll be that.
GREG
Thanks. I guess we don’t need girls, huh?
TODD
Whoa whoa whoa! I won’t go that far! I like girls! I love ya an’ all, but
you’re no woman.
GREG
You know, I don’t really like Lana anymore, but for all that I hate her,
there is a small bit of something inside her that keeps me interested. For
the sake of that little bit of Lana I hang in there.
TODD
Well, Greg, from what I’ve heard, there really isn’t much in Lana to love.
There are too many layers over the Lana you like, and you can’t spend your
life unwrapping.
GREG
Wow Todd. That’s really profound.
TODD
I have my moments.
(LANA walks through the front door now. She should be a lithe brunette
about
5 ‘ 6 “ imposing and sure presence. Walks with a powerful stride. Jeans and
boots.)
GREG
She’s here.
TODD
Yes.
GREG
I think I should talk to her.
TODD
Yes.
GREG
I’ll go now.
TODD
No need, she’s coming over.
(LANA strides to the table. GREG turns and faces her, still seated.)
GREG
Hello.
LANA
Hey sweet heart. Todd, excuse us.
TODD
I think I need to be here if it’s all the same to you and if it’s not I
think I need to be here all the more.
LANA (extremely miffed)
Oh.
GREG
Lana, I can’t see you anymore. I just…. I …. I don’t…… um….
(He is faltering because her eyes narrow. LANA scares him.)
TODD
Spit it out.
GREG (in a rush)
I can’t see you anymore.
(LANA is silent. She pulls herself up and helicopter music [Rat Race] starts
up. When it gets to Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! She explodes.)
LANA
You fool! I can’t believe you’re dumping me! What’s your gay boyfriend here
got that I don’t?!
TODD
Hey hey hey! Just a minute you harpy! I’m not-
LANA (whirling on TODD)
Shut the hell up!
TODD (sinking down into his chair)
Christ!
LANA (in a tirade)
I am not going to be treated like this! If you ever come to my door again I
will call the police! All your stuff is going to be on the street by the
time you come back! All my planning! Stringing you out, making you wait,
hoping you would propose and then I’d divorce your sorry believing ass and
run off to Tahiti and you go and screw things up! If it weren’t for ol’
Todd’s bright ideas here I’d be livin’ the high life! (she goes on and on
and on, I want this rant to be at the discretion of the actress. When she is
done she turns on her heel and storms out. Meanwhile the guys are simply
stunned. They sit for a moment recuperating before speaking.)
TODD
Oh dear God.
GREG
You can say that again.
TODD
Oh dear God.
(They sit quietly for a full minute.)
GREG
So. That went well.
TODD
Yeah. Sure it did. Perfect. The patron goddess of bitches came to call.
(close curtain. Open back in hotel room. GREG is sitting on the bed talking
to TODD on the phone.)
GREG
I miss her already.
TODD
Look, Lana’s favorite movie is Chicago. You hate it. She doesn’t read. The
only thing she’s good at is manipulation. You don’t mix. Get over it.
GREG
Lana’s an architectural designer.
TODD
Greg! Her hero is Madonna!!
GREG
We were a great couple.
TODD
Your favorite movie is Pride and Prejudice. Your favorite music of all time
is the overture from Rudy. You play badminton and take ballet.
GREG
I’m good!
TODD
Doesn’t matter. You take ballet. That’s all that counts. Those kinds of
people don’t mix.
(pause before speaking again)
GREG
How did you know anyway?
TODD
You stand on your toes when you’re nervous.
GREG
Oh. Really?!
TODD
Yes. Now, you have options. You can do whatever you want. Live a little!
GREG
No, I don’t know.
TODD
Come on! What are you afraid of?
GREG (spoken all at once, deadpan.)
That I’ll die and find out God really exists and He’ll send me to Hell where
I’ll wallow in purgatory for all eternity repenting of my atheistic
beliefs.
TODD
O-kay! (spoken as though GREG has gone off the deep end.) That was a bit of
an overshare there. How about on a smaller scale? I meant what are you
afraid of in regard to what-you-want-to-do.
GREG
Nihil terret, Todd. Nothing scares me.
TODD
You’re a sorry liar. Remind me to play poker with you, my wealthy friend.
GREG
Ha ha. It’s not like you’re fearless.
TODD
Oh, I have my flaws here and there. I do know that you’re afraid to go see
Lana and get your stuff back.
GREG
I am not, I just don’t want to do it. It would be nice if someone else could
do it in my place. And I wouldn’t have to go. And I wouldn’t see her. Too
bad that can’t happen. Oh well. I guess I have to go see Lana. I should
probably leave now. Here I go, wish me luck because I don’t want to go and
there’s no one else to do it so I guess its my responsibility, I’m not
shirking or anything, too bad there’s no alternative-
TODD
All right! God, just shove it in my face like that. I’ll go, okay? I’ll go.
GREG
Would you really? Not that I’m asking or anything, it’s simply a
hypothetical question….? (He leaves the statement open, pleading.)
TODD
Yeah, its no big deal.
GREG
Thanks Todd, I owe you one.
TODD
Do you ever!
(They hang up. Close curtain. Open on LANA’s front step, TODD rings the
bell. LANA opens it, and when she sees who’s there her face clouds
angrily.)
TODD (conversationally)
Hello harpy. I haven’t noticed my friend’s things out on the street like you
promised. I’ll just go in and collect them, shall I? I know you weren’t
thinking of keeping any.
LANA
I’ll tell you right now, you are not coming into this house while I stand
here.
TODD (mockingly gracious)
Oh no? Well, that’s not a problem. (He shoves past her into the
entranceway.) Follow me.
(Aggravated, LANA spins around and yells into the house)
LANA
Get OUT! (No answer as she waits. There is banging from inside the house. )
I am calling the police!!
TODD (from within the house)
Friends with them, are you? (He walks out, arms laden.)
LANA (growlingly)
I’ve always hated you.
TODD (feigned hurt)
I don’t know how I’ll ever sleep again, now that I know how you feel. Your
opinion means so much to me. (He sighs deeply) And I thought you loved me.
Another gossamer illusion stripped from my eyes. I am pained.
LANA (still growling)
Get out of my sight.
TODD (speaking as if he is Romeo bidding goodnight to Juliet.)
I hope we remain good friends, dearest Lana, gentle harpy! (He backs away
down the steps and speaks this last line as he leaves) None too fondly, I
bid thee farewell!
(GREG is calling TODD on the telephone. He is very emotional, with tissues
lying all around him.)
GREG (in tears, whispering)
Pick up, will you. (sniff) Pick up.
(phone rings)
TODD
When can I do for you?
GREG
It’s Greg.
TODD
Hey Greg! The game is on! What- (he suddenly realizes that GREG is crying)
Whoa! Hey man! What’s wrong? I’ve never known you to cry before. Is
everybody okay? Your folks? Tell me.
GREG
It’s Lana.
TODD
Oh that bitch! What’s she done to you now?
GREG (real emotional until otherwise noted)
She’s dead, Todd. There’s been an accident. She… She was… driving, and you
know… she goes too fast… (he wails)
TODD
Oh! Greg! I had no idea! I’m so sorry! When did it happen?
GREG
Just a few hours ago. Her mother called me.
TODD
Oh my God.
GREG
She hit a tree. They say it was instan… it was inst... she didn’t…
TODD (compassionate)
It was instantaneous. Go ahead, take your time. There’s no rush.
GREG
The things I said…
TODD
Stop that. This is not your fault! You can not blame yourself for Lana’s
death.
GREG
I could have stopped her… Said something… If I hadn’t broken up with her
we’d probably be together right now.
TODD
Not to be insensitive, but you couldn’t have known she’d die.
GREG
I didn’t know for certain that she was a flake! What if she loved me, and
she was coming to see me, and that’s when I called her a leech and said to
back off my money and- Poor Lana! Lying cold and dead…!
TODD
Cut the morbid, Greg. Listen to me. There was nothing you could do. Lana’s
death was not your fault.
GREG
I should make my peace with her. Would you do something for me?
TODD
Anything, Greg. You know that. Absolutely anything.
GREG
Would you hold a séance with me?
TODD
Hell no!
GREG (becoming excited)
Please?! We could speak with the dead! She’ll tell us whether or not God is
real! We’ll find out about the afterlife and talk to Lana face to face!
TODD
Dude, that girl is in Hell.
GREG
She is not! I simply misjudged her, I’m sure. Lana is an angel.
TODD
A fallen angel.
GREG
She is not!
TODD
Believe me, our dearly departed is down there chatting up Hitler. (He
affects a high mimic of Lana) “Wow, so you’re second on command, huh? This
place could definitely use a woman’s touch.” (dropping back into his own
voice) Really, if Lana were in Heaven she’d be busy spreading rumors that
Jesus came onto her. She would not fit in.
GREG
No! You never liked her anyway, so why should I listen now?
TODD
Oh all right; I’m sorry, don’t speak ill of the dead and all that. Greg, I
was going to call you anyway because I had news, but in light of your recent
tragedy I thought I should wait. Ready?
GREG
What’s up?
TODD
I got a pet.
GREG
You finally got a dog?! That’s great! A lab?
TODD
No, not exactly.
GREG
What? A golden? Or a Newfoundland! You always loved those.
TODD
Not any of those.
GREG
Don’t tell me you got a Pomeranian or a Dachshund or something.
TODD
Not and of those either.
GREG
Dalmatian?
TODD
It’s just a guinea pig, actually.
GREG (holding in laughter)
A gui- oh man. Deal- If you have a séance with me, I’ll look at your new
guinea pig without making fun of it.
TODD
Promise?
GREG
Absolutely.
TODD
Okay. Deal. I’ll be right over. (They hang up. TODD arrives at GREG’s w/ the
guinea pig and walks in.) Hey dude. I just let myself in, if that’s okay.
GREG
Yeah fine. That the rodent?
TODD
You promised.
GREG
I didn’t know his feelings were so sensitive.
TODD
When did you get to be such a smart all of a sudden?!
GREG
I’m sorry. Let me see. (TODD hands GREG his guinea pig.)
TODD
I named it Lana, ‘cause I thought it had mean little eyes like hers are-
were.
GREG
Holy shit! These are Lana’s eyes!!
TODD
It’s uncanny, isn’t it?
GREG
No, I mean these really are Lana’s eyes! When did you get this guy?
TODD
A few hours ago. Why?
GREG
TODD! I think this little pig is Lana incarnate!!!
TODD
Damn boy! For someone who isn’t religious, you sure go in for this other
world stuff. I believe that’s politically incorrect. (reflecting) Although
Lana could be a pig.
GREG
Could you be more civil? She’s right here! (holds up guinea pig) Besides,
how can you decree what’s correct politically? You’re a Communist.
*This is not the end, it is a work in progress
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