TODD
I’m proud of my political standing.
GREG
OK can we just drop this? This is about Lana. Let’s see if we can get her to
remember who she is. All her stuff is in my bedroom. Let’s show her her
purse.
(The two of them sit on the bed and dump out her purse. Cosmetics and papers
go everywhere. GREG is still holding the guinea pig in both hands. One of
the papers falls off the bed.)
TODD
Oh, damn. Can you grab that?
(GREG leans over and picks up the paper.)
GREG (pale and astonished)
Oh my God. Lana’s married. (he pauses as he becomes angry) I can’t believe
she did this to me. She can’t- didn’t- not- screw her! (as he gets more and
more worked up he is squeezing the guinea pig harder and harder.)
LANA the GUINEA
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
TODD
Greg you’re killing it!
LANA the GUINEA
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
GREG
You’re right! She is in Hell! I hope she’s burning!
Hell In A Car 16
LANA the GUINEA
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
TODD
Greg stop!
GREG
That bitch!
LANA the GUINEA
EE-
(the guinea dies.)
TODD
Shit. Oh, shit. Greg. Greg! (GREG is still angry and breathing heavily)
Greg!
(TODD hits GREG on the shoulder. Greg jumps and drops the lifeless body.)
GREG
What?
(GREG looks down and sees the pig. He covers his mouth, looking sick.)
GREG (whispering)
Oh my God
(GREG runs to the bathroom. At that moment the doorbell rings. TODD goes to
answer it. Standing there are two men in police-ish uniforms.)
MAN
Hello sir. We’re from Animal Control. We have received complaint of a
disturbance at your place of residence by your neighbor. She says she heard
shouted threats and squealing. Mind if we come in?
TODD
Uh…
Hell In A Car 17
MAN
Thank you. We- (he suddenly catches sight of the guinea pig’s body on the
floor.) Oh man! That is sick! How could you do such a thing? Poor
defenseless little- (becoming suddenly authoritative) I’m taking you in.
TODD
What?! No!
(A fierce struggle ensues. TODD pretty much beats up MAN and it takes his
associate as well to finally subdue TODD. They bodily throw him into the car
and drive off. GREG walks out of the bathroom some time later and calls for
TODD. There is no answer, and he begins to wander through the house,
confused. The telephone rings. GREG answers.)
GREG
Hello?
TODD
Greg! Damn, this phone is shit. Can you hear me? Hello?
GREG
Todd?
TODD
Thank you, God! Now just listen because these bastards are timing me and I’m
not allowed to call again. I’m in the jail by the pizza place, you know?
Those Animal Control bastards came to the house. They took one look at
little Lana and got upset and tried to make me come with them. I didn’t want
to go and said so. They called it resisting arrest and so I’m here for four
months. Come bail me out?
GREG
!What the f-
TODD
Greg! Don’t you do it! You know I don’t approve of that word.
GREG
Yeah, I’m getting refinement tips from the guy in jail!
Hell In A Car 18
TODD
Just come get me.
GREG (uncomfortable)
I can’t! I’m… I just can’t OK?
TODD
You’re afraid of authorities!
GREG
Well what if they find out? I’m the one who killed her!
TODD
How are they gonna find out? Just come get me, you have the money. I can’t
stay in this place, you don’t know what it’s like. I’m sharin’ a cell with
the Bonnie and Clyde of biker men. They have so many tattoos I don’t know
their nationality.
GREG (apologetic)
Todd, I really can’t. Don’t make me do this. It’s not the money by any
means, I just… (with finality) it’s only four months, you can hang in
there.
TODD (angry, disgusted)
Screw you.
(Todd hangs up. Greg shakes his head and hangs up.)
Greg (looking in mirror, talking himself into it.)
I have to go get him, right? He’s been in that place for four hours now. I
have to go get him. Right? Right. Yes. Leaving now.
(GREG scoops his leather jacket off a chair and prepares to leave. He pulls
open the door to reveal a police officer, who walks him backwards into the
house.)
OTHER MAN
Are you Greg None-Given?
GREG
My last name isn’t “none given” but I guess that’s me. What’s the problem,
officer? I was just on my way out.
Hell In A Car 19
OTHER MAN
A young man by the name of Todd, it says here, was arrested and placed in a
shared cell. On the form he was given to fill out he wrote down your name as
his
contact for an emergency. He was involved in a brawl with his cell mates.
Sign here please if you will consent to pay for his medical bills.
GREG (floored)
Wait a minute- involved in a brawl? What the hell does that mean? Is he
hurt? What happened?
OTHER MAN
All I know sir there was apparently a dispute over a coveted bunk by the
heater that your friend wouldn’t give up. The convicts didn’t like it. He
put up a good struggle from what I heard. Still landed himself in Intensive
Care though. Sign?
GREG (visibly upset)
Oh my God, of- of course I’ll pay. What treatment is he getting? (leans in
to sign, taking proffered pen)
OTHER MAN (bored, looking down at paper)
Uh, this here will be paying for life support.
(GREG drops the pen.)
GREG (shocked)
LIFE SUPPORT??????
OTHER MAN
(Looks funny at Greg.) Well, yeah. They said he’s gone into a coma.
(GREG covers his mouth with his hand.)
GREG (softly)
Oh my god it’s all my fault!
OTHER MAN (looking quizzically at GREG)
You OK buddy?
(GREG looks up, startled, and glares at the officer)
Hell In A Car 20
GREG
Get out!
(GREG shoves the man in the chest with one hand, pushing him out the door.
He slams the door behind him and spins until his back is against it, where
he slides to the floor and drops his head into his hands, slowly shaking it
back and forth.)
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