Thinking.
Wondering.
Contemplating.
It seems it’s all I can do.
Lay here and think of how I’m screwed.
I’ve been there for everyone I can see
So slit my wrists because I need to think about me.
There’s no explanation for it
For six years it’s been eating at my spirit.
No flowers, no cards, no visits, no calls.
I’m here everyday with myself and the walls.
My mind is in overdrive thinking of all of you
And for me to get better and hang like we used to.
It’s been a short while, yet feels like eternity.
So you all have plans tonight, are you picking her over me?
The money-maker, the care-free gentleman, the princess and the saint…
There’s no answer for my pain and this morning I did faint.
See the medicine isn’t helping and I’m on hydro-codeine.
I get real dizzy, sweaty, and hot… and then I begin to lean.
Leaning and missing, Falling and hoping…that I’ll find a surface soon.
So I can sit and heal and stare at the moon.
I mind my own business and watch television with my mom
Then out of nowhere a sharp pain, shortness of breath and me trying to stay
calm.
My eyes fill with tears, the pain is so unbearable I can’t hear her
The excruciating pain is forcing itself through me over and over
When she asks me if I’m alright
There’s too much water in my sight.
The only thing I can say is, “I don’t know”
Take a couple deep breaths and continue to watch our show.
My mind’s at ease, at least for a little while.
I’ll wipe away my tears, watch CSI and smile.
In a few minutes it will happen again…maybe even worse
My mind will wonder and think if this is a curse.
So now it’s a waiting game for one and all
For that one special day when my Doctor will call.
He’ll say he knows what’s wrong with me and there’s nothing to fear.
Maybe that’s the day I will drop my last tear.

~Sherry Lynn Tatko January 9, 2003
 
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