This kind of reminds me
of being 12, again,
swinging on the swings
in the schoolyard playground.

I remember I could never swing;
never think
when I had friends
that wanted me to do
all the stuff
that I didn't find entertaining.

I hated talking about
who liked who
and what teacher
needed to be shot.
I liked to discuss
deeper things,
like art and poetry.
Things
they never understood
about me.

I never had time
to think about those things.
I remember the day
I told them,
"Grow up,"
and walked away.
They told me
I could never
"be in their group"
ever again.
I ran to the swings
and I swung
higher and higher
and I threw my head back
and laughed to myself
as I neared the ground
and then back up.
It was so liberating.

That's how I always felt
every time
I dumped one of my boyfriends.
And I think I prefer that
to the feeling of giddyness
and giggliness
and excitement
over waiting for a boy to call me,
for him to ask me out,
to see him,
kiss him,
hold him;
wrap myself in his arms.

I like that no boy calls for me,
calls me his own.
I like that I don't have anyone
to wait for at the end of the night.
I like that I'm this empty barrel-
at least I'm not as I was,
being in all of those stupid
relationships;
a barrel of wasted emotion.

Now, I'm empty- organized.
And I can smile,
not because some guy
loves
my smile,
but because I feel free
to smile.
 
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