I have made so many mistakes
And I just don’t know
What to do
I can’t make the hole go away
No matter what I do
I can’t forget
The pain inside
So close to the surface
But careful not to allow
It to escape
I must explode
My choices are
Do I go out and use
Or hide away
Can anyone help me
I’m so lost
And scared
All I heard growing up was
Shhhh it’s our little secret
Be a good girl
And lay beside daddy
With those words ringing
Steadily in my ears
I tried to die
But messed that up as well
I can’t do anything right
I never could
And never will
I hate myself
I can picture
Slashing at my arms
Or swallowing a handfuls of pills
But then I think
He’ll win
So I self medicate
Again
And the process repeats
There are no med’s
No nothing to help me
I’m caught on a continuous loop
What else can I do
As I ask for help
I look up from my pad and pen
And realize
I am still
Alone

casandra

 
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