An atypical day in my life
How did I become this shell?
I can only express anger and hatred
Why not pain? Why not need?
No vulnerablity, no sympathy
Just anger... at you, at no one, at myself
Saddened that I am no longer the person I once was
Free to show any emotion with no fear
When did I become so scared, so desperate to maintain this facade of
control
When really I'm not in control at all
I hold it together with a very small thread
And the belief that I can only do it alone...
Lose control, let tears fall or just be nothing
Without an adequate explanation
Who do I live for anymore?
Is it me or do I even know who I am?
Could I really be who I think I am?
Or do I even look at myself anymore?
Or do I just go through the motions for the sake of everyone else?
Is there any aforethought?
Or is it just an instinct?
But some of my instincts are hindered by too many questions
Too many second thoughts and pangs of fear
Do I know what he wants?
Does he know what I want?
Do we really know anything about each other?
How can you love someone so much if you're not sure who they are?
(What do I love?)
Or is love only acceptance?
Acceptance of flaws, of wisdom, of humor, of smell, of taste
When I say I love you does it just mean
I accept the fact that you snore, that you have bad breath, that you wet the
bed?
I accept your kisses, your bedtime, your silly jokes?
Or does it mean something more...?
I need to hear you snore, smell your breath and roll over into your urine
every morning
To live, to survive, to cherish you
What does anything mean?
I am numb to what life really is anymore
I just do what is expected to maintain the peace
And nothing changes
And nothing stays the same
And every day begins without one ever ending
And it just keeps going until I can't do it anymore
I don't know what will happen this time, it's so hard to hold on,
to not let go
To keep it in
Cause I want it out
I don't want this inside anymore
It's making me cold and hard and sad and angry
But I don't know where to put it
So I keep directing it to different corners of my mind
But it always comes back
And it's bigger and harder
And more powerful
And I can't stop it again
Please help me
Cause I just want it to be over
 
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