You see the superficial side of me
You really have no idea
Sit back and listen to this twisted story
I'll make it crystal clear
Let's travel back to younger years
When I feared the drunken nights
I'd sit at the top of my stairs and cry
Silently watching the violent fights
I'd look to my brother sitting next to me
I could see the pain in his eyes
The day on that rock where the divorce emerged
My first realization of deception and lies
Left with a mother undeniably lazy
Taken out of the house for neglect
Not allowed to step inside my own house
A time I will never forget
Starting not to care anymore
My life starts falling apart
No loving family to rely on
The hole begins in my heart
Mommy to her booze & Daddy to the drugs
Daddy really was in love with his maryjane
Mommy sucking on the vodka bottle
Putting the whole family to shame
My brother was fucked since I remember
Striving for attention through trouble
Trying to fix his problems with drugs
But only making them double
Gun pressed to my temple
Desperation, cries, and pleas
My brother standing steady with coke filled eyes
Staring, mad expression, laughing at me
I became bitterly empty
I've learned about drugs throughout my life
Through constant pain and suffering
Through too much sorrow and strife
First tried drugs cause that was my only example
Loved the relief of weed and how it felt
Loved to sit back and smoke a few bowls
Loved to watch my problems melt
Seen my first murder at the age of twelve
16 y/o fell to the knife's blade over a drug deal
Turned in horror and then back to my drugs
To make everything seem less real
Lost with no one to turn to at home
I confide in guys I momentarily trust
Thinking I could find someone to love me
But crushed by the realization of merely lust
Fond memories of virginity, nonexistent
Lost to a nobody on a bathroom floor
I liked him, he used me
Turned my into a 12 y/o whore
Alone in my bed with dreams of love
I need a comfort to my battered soul
They come and go in haste
Widening the bleeding whole
Many times, body beaten, bruised, abused
The effects on me taken in vain
Intimacy issues, insecurity, no self worth
Unexplainable, excruciating pain
My problems were mounting and my head started to hurt
Took a few too many pills to cure the pain
Woke up in a mental hospital, a wreck
Soaked in my tears of shame
I fell in with a worse crowd
Where drugs, alcohol and sex were always there
Smoked all day, drank all night
No longer did I care
Days when I had a constant lover
A happiness that would never leave me
I thought my problems faded away
I let the powdered numbness deceive me
Cook and clean and babysit sister and mother
The only sane but synthetically stable one
Watch my drunken mother and helpless sister
When I should be out having fun
Grown up too quick
No happy memories to smile about
I can't deal with everything anymore
I just take the easy way out
Moved 3000 miles to realize it was gold before
Whatever happiness I had left is a thing of the past
Same problems still haunting me, but in a foreign place
I don't know how much longer I can last
Alcohol and drugs help me escape
Dull away the life I've had
Not making anything better
But making them less bad
No longer can I sleep at night
I lay restless in bed
Took a few DXM
Just to calm my head
My only way of dealing now
Is through mental escape
Drown away hurt and lies
Drown away despise and hate
I still look at my brother
And see the pain in his eyes
Saddened by a broken home
Corrupted by deception and lies
It's hard to grow up
Without ever being a kid
Take a few more swings of the bottle
Seal my fate and close the lid

I've become what I despise
But it's the only way to deal with who I am
 
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